More Chronicles of Meghan

me: i dont know who you are
if youre looking for ransom i can tell you i dont have money
but what i do have are a very particular set of skills
skills that i have acquired over a very long career
skills that make me a nightmare for people like you
if you let my daughter go now that'll be the end of it
i will not look for you, i will not pursue you
but if you dont, i will look for you
i will find you
and i will kill you
Aaaaand scene!
Kendall: You are rediculous!
but I love ya
me: i had to
now imagine liam neeson saying it

me: dennis just texted me
me: and said he just force fed beignet some pills
and it was "awesome"

me: HEadline on cnn.com --> Very ugly cat has only chest hair
Kendall: lol
that cat is freaky
and UGLY
me: i didnt look
but now im curious
me: ok now.. if you have sound
you should look up "cat attack baby remix"
you wont be sorry
actually
first just look up cat attacks babys head
im going to hell

On spam:
me: i just got an email with the subject "we videotaped your treason"
Kendall: i got that one today as well

me: i was trying to be discreet about my nose blowing before but now i am throwing caution to the wind
me: listen out
for this one
Kendall: ewwwww!!!!
me: i am using some discretion
Kendall: really? are you sure?

me: i am talking to the cutest little old asian man
you should come out here and take a look
Kendall: he is cute
like mr myagi

On helpless & ungrateful customers:
me: mainly just about the people who have been in here this morning
its like they all got off the same bus and are coming in one at a time
Kendall: i tell ya its help the helpless day
me: "i want a job in this business (that has had ZERO business in the last 4 months) , i cant use a computer, oh and i dont have a ride"
Kendall: i loved the no ride part
me: yea
we should have just been like... welp.... dont let the door hit you on the way out
and that one guy who asked about job fairs
was like... on crack or something
he kept sniffing
and fidgeting
he was like. whens the next job fair
and i was like well i wish you came in last week there was one in oc this weekend
and he was like . welli dont have transportation there
and i was like . oh ok. well here
and pointed at mountaire and wa slike they offer transportation
and he was like... no i dont want to work there deboning chickens
Kendall: i liked how he looked at the four flyers and was like is this all the jobs you have....I wanted to be yup thats it
me: lol... yes. unless you know how to use an effing computer
is that too much to ask
in TWO THOUSAND NINE?!?!
people were thinking we would be using flying cars and shit
youd think everyone would want to be prepared for that
ridiculous

me: well
too bad these computers blow
like dinah and her horn

me: jesus
what am i going to do when you leave
Kendall: awww
luckily ill have gmail and texting
and ill have an hour for lunch
me: yea
what time do you go in in the morning
Kendall: 8
me: and you get out at 5?
Kendall: yeah
me: in yo face.
ill be in bed watching cop drama

me: i emailed you
ho
i know i said i would never call you a ho. but i lied.

me: ps. up until about 30 minutes ago i had cat urine in my purse

me: just seen on a guys resume "Bather/Blower
Cathys Pet Salon, Salisbury, MD
I bathed and blew dogs"

On unhappy customers:
me: “is there someone i can talk to?”
yes
the back of my hand

On a kid rolling around the lab in a chair:
me: this kid is driving me nuts
throw a stick out in front of him
like big daddy
seriously
do we have like
a ball of foil we can throw at this kid

On donations to my charitable cause:
me: my dad just dropped 100 bones
whooooo
Kendall: holy crap
see you are just connected to $$
me: yeaaa
wish my mom would donate
she just wrote back
way to go
or something like that
she needs to spell that inspirational message out with dollar bills
Kendall: you should send this message
Dear Mom,
It wa$ $o nice of you to $end $uch an in$pirational me$$age to me.
me: lolol
I can $carcely $upre$$ my $ati$faction